So it begins
by BalaLey
Summary: not much to say...draco and hermione...have a thing..ron thinks that he gets hiv...harry loves hedwig a little to much...dumbledore is putting more than just brownie mix into his brownies
1. just a brief AN

Brief note

Just thought that we should make something clear….there are TWO of us writing this story…so you might get like two responses for something…and we live in different towns, so updating might take some time….but for our lovely fans, we will try to update as soon as possible, we are only high school students, and we have lives. Well sort of…


	2. Chapter 1

A/N: we don't own Harry Potter or anything else mentioned in here just the idea...

So it starts….

Bumblebore…oh wait sorry… DUMBLEDORE stood up at the high table; smoke bellowing (it was really screaming I swear)…billowing from his beard.

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fauc…no wait you da students! Good after…no morning. (he begins to cough, smoke rings in pretty rainbow colours flood his face and he giggles) Tomorrow morning…nope (he thinks "DOPE") night…yes the night ahhhhhhh…I love it!" Professor McGonagall clears her throat as she glares at Dumbledore and curtly says, "Please continue Professor Dumbledore."

"Oh sorry my sweet Minicakes oh no wait…MAGICAL MINICAKES…where's my long wand…where's my long sexy wand! Accio Wand! Oh wait that doesn't work without a wand. DAMN IT!"

Snape rolls his eyes agitatedly, "IT'S IN YOUR HAND!"

Dumbledore looks down and smiles at his hand, "Ahhh I knew that….FRUIT PUNCH FOR YOU ALL! AND……..MAGIC BROWNIES! Because I made them! Don't worry there's only chocolate and funny tasting things in there that make you happy! Ohhh SO HAPPY! Let me tell you from experience. This one time….."

Dumbledore gets cut off from well everyone, "GET ON WITH IT" (a/n yes that is a line from Monty Python's the Holy Grail and no we are not on drugs).

Dumbledore looks around the Great Hall with a totally dazed expression on his face, "Ahh yes sorry, ADD…Anyways…Tomorrow night it's a Friday by the way…Did you know that?"

Professor McGonagall finally get fed up with Dumbledore's ramblings gets up and pushes the man out of the way as he shoots cloudy peace signs at her. After clearing her throat she looks around the room, "Anyways tomorrow night is the Gelaid Ball."

Snape looks around the room with a disbelieving look on his face, "It sounds like GET LAID! WHY THE BLOODY HELL DID WE NAME IT THAT!"

Dumbledore shoots up from the ground, " Ah yes I see it! GOOD POINT!" As he finishes his sentence he shot a peace sign in Snape's face.

As the two crazy men yell at each other Professor McGonagall swished her wand taking away the magical brownies. However failing to notice that Neville had already eaten ten as he ran out the room screaming about clowns. Professor McGonagall looked about the room trying to break the award silence, "….Anyways….formal dress is required. See you all tomorrow."

At our favorite Gryffindor's table Ron turned to his bushy haired friend.

"So do you have a date to the ball?"

Hermione bobbed her head, " It's been one week since you looked at me…cocked your head to the side and said, "I'm angry"…oh sorry I love the bare naked ladies.

Harry at the mention of naked women perked his head up; " Oh I love those, especially when you find them in your bed!"

Hermione looked disgusted at her best friend, " I meant the BAND, you horny bastard!"

Ron totally ignoring Harry and Hermione turned to Hermione with a mouthful of bread, " Woo uu O oooo AA ance wi me?"

Hermione stares confused at Ron, "….What?"

Harry just being the coolest person ever, " WHAT THE FUCK!"

Ron looks at his friends with an annoyed look on his face, " Woo…uu…O…oooo…AA….ance…wi….me?"

Hermione looks even more perplexed than ever, yet she knew deep down what he said, "I have to get to potions….BYE!"


	3. potions classDumbledore shows up

A/N once again we do not own anything…not even the lovely drugs….

At potions….

Snape stalked the front of the classroom, " Today we will be making, NO NEVILLE DON'T TOUCH THAT! Anyways we will be making…."

Harry interjects happily, "Edible panties!"

Snape slightly ticked off, after not having his morning cup of coffee, is very irritable, maybe it's not the coffee maybe he just needs a life and a good lay… "OH SHUT UP POTTER!" After his little outburst he turns his back looking around with sketchy eyes and whispers to himself, " I already enough of those. Ahem….Anyways….today we are going to make Shrofrogian potions, can anyone tell me what that is…NOT YOU GRANGER SO DON'T EVEN THINK OF PUTIING YOUR HAND UP. Ah Ron what the hell is it? Hmmmm?"

Ron looks around helplessly, " Um a…potion?"

Snape rolls his eyes, "And I thought that you were stupid…."

Crabbe interjects, "It is a potion that enhances all hormonal projection glands of all beings on the planet viasex…A.K.A…Earth." the whole classroom stares at him with open mouths.

Draco however glares at him, " You did take my smart potion…." He mumbles so that only Crabbe can heat him.

Snape looks at Crabbe with mild curiosity, "Correct? Umm please use gloves, AND DON'T TOUCH IT! for it is very contagious."

Harry beams happily, "I'll give some to Hedwig!"

Lavender looks at Harry startled, "What!"

Harry looks at her with a bead of sweat forming at the tip of his forehead, " J/K yo!"

Across the room Neville shouts, " My pot's on FIRE!"

At the mention of pot Dumbledore rushes into the classroom clearly out of breath, " WHAT! Who's smoking up?"

Snape rolls his eyes in general frustration of the stupidity at Hogwarts. " Sorry Professor, Longbottom doesn't know that a cauldron is called a cauldron."

Dumbledore looks slightly depressed at the news, " Ohh I see. Peace out dawgs, Peace up A town down!" (A/N can't you tell how white we are? Um we ARE NOT racist, people of all nationalities are SUPER!) He says this all while making odd hand gestures, then he runs out of the room screaming "FULL SPEED AHEAD! I AM BATMAN HEAR ME ROAR…ROAR!"

MAGICAL MINICAKES A.K.A. Minerva jumps out of the adjacent corridor screaming, "I THOUGHT I WAS BATMAN! YOU'RE ROBIN REMEMBER!"

Dumbledore turns and runs backwards as she screams this, and then after nodding in agreement whirls around with his fist in the air. "I have an announcement to make I'm not batman I lied but I am ROBIN! So….HEAR ME CHIRP…CHIRP!"

The whole class stares at the open door slowly turning to face Snape who is sitting at his desk with his head in his hands shaking, he slowly picks his head up. "He was born and raised in America."

Harry gives a look of pure of compression, "That explains a lot, yo!"

Snape gives a look that clearly says 'You-are-an-idiot-and-do-not-deserve-to-breath-the-same-air-as-me.' "You were born in America too."

Ron gives Harry the same look that the boy who wouldn't die just gave Snape, "Wow, Harry no wonder your moves are so good!"

Harry gives Ron a look of pure horror, "SHHHHH, no one can know…"

Hermione however is working diligently over her potion as Draco begins to annoy the fuck out of her.

"Granger….psssstttt….hey Granger…GRANGER!"

"WHAT DO YOU WANT!"

Ron however looks at the ceiling, "Harry who is making peeing sound affects or is it Hedwig hissing at me because of what happened last night?"

Harry glares at him, "Hedwig is perfect and she would never hate you because she's a good person."

Ron retorts, "It's a Fuckin owl!"

Harry with tears in his eyes, "don't you dare bring her in this just because you lost me to her doesn't give you the right to bad mouth my love!"

Anyways back to the lovers' action….

Dumbledore pops in the door "Anyways is my favorite word"

Snape looking up from his desk, "Shooo shoo you pesky headmaster…Anyways…"

Dumbledore shouts "The sacred word has been spoken again it is even present on the lips of the most foul Snape! HOO-RAAR!"

Back to lovers…

Draco looks at Hermione, " Can I have some of your Shroomdust?"

Hermione looks lovingly into Draco's eyes, "Ummm…NO YOU LOSER FACE!"

Draco looks at her with an almost pleading look, " Come on bookworm! Crabbe ate all mine!"

Hermione looks agitated, " He ate it…."

Draco nods his head, while next to him a deep giggly voice says, "PRETTY PINK ELEPHANTS! LOOK DRACO LOOK!"

Hermione looks almost sorry for Draco. She rips a piece of parchment, then whips a Sharpie out of her book bag and writes a small then sticks it in a phial that she then proceeds to chucks to Draco, which in fact smacks him on the head before landing in his lap.

Ron then turns to Hermione oblivious to what just transpired between her and Malfoy. "So….Hermione…wanna go to da dance wit me?" Ron then turns to Harry; " You're rubbing off on me in more than one way…"

Hermione turns her head in-between Draco and Ron. "Uhhhh…" she notices Draco reading her note, with a mischievous smirk upon his face, she then turns back to Ron. "Uhh yeah sure…" she then turns back to Draco who is still smirking, he nods, as a blush slowly starts to spread on her cheeks.

Ron attempts to do the party boy dance in his seat, "SCORE!"

Harry looks gloomily at Ron, " Wha bout me?"

Ron looks angry eyed at Harry, "I'm still pissed at you!"

Snape giddily gives an announcement, " Everyone! A , I just smelt Hermione's potion, and it is arousing! So excuse me….I…um…have things to do….SO GO!" then the bell rings.

A/N umm we don't really see the characters this way...we just got bored one night...and this is what happened...sorry if we offend anyone...please don't hate us...feed back please, show us some love!


	4. Dance Off in the Common Room

A/N sorry we still don't own Harry Potter, I mean if we did why would we be writing FAN FICTION!

Friday Night…Gryffindor common room…enters…Ron…Harry….and…HERMIONE! Bum bum bzaaaa!

Hermione is wearing a pale grey silk dress, with black high heels; her hair is in a messy bun, with little wisps around her face. Ron however is wearing dress robes that are the same colour as his hair, clashing horribly.

Ron stares at Hermione, "HOLY SHIT, WHAT THE HELL!" (A/N thanks glen)

Hermione looks down, "What do I look that bad!"

Ron wipes the drool off his face, "No you look love-ily! Not icky…no no no."

Harry stands near the boys staircase, "Sorry Hedwig you can't come! No birds allowed! But I'll come back for you!"

Ron tries to hold Hermione's hand; instead she gives him her elbow.

Ron looks down with a mix of anger and sadness, "FUCK THE FRIEND ZONE!" He then tries to start to dance.

THE DANCE OFF!  
Ron's dancing looks like he's convulsing, Hermione stares at him with a look of disgust. Harry looks at Ron with a look of pure snobbishness, "My, moves are so way better!" Ron looks at Harry like yeah right; he then proceeds to do the sprinkler, resulting in slapping Hermione in the boob. Then he stops dead in his tracks with a look of OH MY GOD, "MY HAND HAS BEEN BLESSED WITH THE BREAST!" Harry begins to dance, resulting in doing the worm and the robot, he then turns to Hermione, and grabs her boob, then he pulls his hand away, flexing his fingers as if a heart were in his hand, whispering, " BA BUM BA BUM!" Hermione looks down disgustedly at her chest then up at Harry, she slaps his hand in an effort to stop the madness. Harry looks at his hand it slowly stops beating he looks up at her and yells "YOU EVIL TINMAN YOU HAVE NO HEART!" (A/N wizard of oz rocks!)

Hermione tries to change the subject, "So, Harry, who are you going with?"

The glint in Harry's eyes hints that he wasn't expecting this, "Sh-sh-she can't come."

Hermione looks at him with curiosity, "Do I know her?"

"Yeah…"

"Oh why can't she come?"

"Uh, she flew away…"

"Oh she has a broom. That narrows it down to a few…"

"No, she doesn't"

"She's using yours?"

"No although she does like to ride my broom…"

"Oh I see. How is she flying then?"

"Umm…with her arms"

"Oh like a bird?"

"Yes exactly like a bird almost identical!"

"Oh is she an animagus? WHO IS IT?"

"UMMM I have to ummm take a rather large shit peace out!" Harry ran up to his room with a slightly red face. Ron turns to Hermione; "So I guess us love-ily birds must fly on down to the dance….can't wait to show off my moves to everyone!"

Hermione rolls her eyes and shoves her elbow in his hand, as they walked down her mind drifted from Ron's babble to something that she couldn't wait to happen tonight…

BUM BUM BAAA the plot thickens what will happen next… (A/N well other than we know what is going to happen we would love feed back on this story, thank you for those who already have…you are awesome people! But give us MORE thank you and goodnight… no wait Morning LOL I crack myself up he he!)


	5. at the dance finally

A/N okay do we really need this…still don't own Harry Potter….we know it's sad….

Actually at the dance…

Everyone there is staring at our favorite trio who are staring at Hermione's chest.

Hermione's grumbles, " This SUCKS!"

Ron smiles like an idiot, "No I kinda like it…"

Hermione looks at him disgusted, "Well how the hell am I supposed to dance with Dr... I mean you if THEY KEEP POPPING OUT WHEN I MOVE!"

Harry wears a look of pure astonishment, " Wow they look so real!"

Hermione looks extremely agitated, "Well Harry…THAT'S BECAUSE THEY ARE!" she rolls her eyes, "I'm going to get some punch." She walks away while trying to tuck in her cleavage, however they pop back out. (Well not really ALL the way, ya'll know what we mean.) She mutters to herself, "God they're like rambunctious twins that I can't control. Oooh!" She turns to see to Draco standing behind her with his hand on her ass. Hermione blushes "Stop it they'll see!"

Draco smirks, "Let them…"

Hermione blushes even more, " I'm here with Ron…he'll be PISSED!"

Draco, still smirking that oh so sexy smirk, "So…?"

Hermione rolls her eyes, "Just get me some punch…"

Draco, oh sexy smirk….(YAY! Um yeah back to the story…), "You so touchy!" He then turns Hermione to face him, with his hand still on her bottom.

Hermione smirks as she runs her fingers up and down his 6 pack, "No I'm not…" (a/n why can't something like this happen to us…?)

Draco, smirking even more, "I'll go get that punch."

Hermione stares into his eyes with lust, standing in the middle of the undulating mass in a haze, standing there breathing heavily still staring at the spot that he occupied moments ago. He comes back handing her the punch, she chugs it down, throwing the cup over her shoulder, "Let's blow this joint!"

Draco watches her butt as she stumbles out of the crowd, "Yes let's."

A/N okay people WHERE IS THE LOVE?

blackrose2010 thanks for the feed back and supporting us, you are right about the cookies, seeing as we are about to eat cookie dough, here's some virtual cookie dough for you….and hugs FELL THE LOVE…anyways (lol) more FEEDBACK! We know that more than 1 person is reading this….we hope, which would just be sad….peace out dawgs!


	6. almost

A/N –First off we don't own Harry Potter or anything to do with it…second we love putting a thousand periods in our stories…(see)…third this is a VERY romantic chapter we don't go too much into detail but ummm you can just skip it if you want but it is semi funny but when aren't we…we're hilarious…well to ourselves…LOL…(see we did it again)

They climbed the stairs in a heated rush as their lips interlocked with each other. Hermione pulls Draco up the stairs by his tie, her hair dancing around her shoulders holding on by one last bobby pin. As they reached the last step Hermione stumbled, causing her and Draco to collide into the wall. They did not seemed phased as they stumbled their way up the corridor between kisses. When they reached the Gryffindor picture Hermione pulled away and straightened up as if nothing happened; Draco's hair was tasseled his tie undone, and his first few buttons. Hermione turned to him anger rushing across her face, "what the hell did you put in my drink?" she wipes her mouth pretending to be disgusted.

Draco replied with a stern loving look, "Actually, the truth is I didn't…maybe I like and respect you and just maybe you feel the same way about me."

Hermione look at him as if he touched her heart, "Well…if you call thinking about you all the time then maybe I do like you back and if you call thinking what I would do to you if you were mine then I guess I am attracted to you very much so."

Draco with a smile (an actual smile) on his face gently says, "Dido."

"Those were the best words I've ever heard you say."

"It's only one word…"

"Whatever," she turns to the picture "frizzily jelly beans."

The picture looked at her, "He's not coming in is he?"

Hermione turns with a fake stern look, "Of course not…"

The picture yawns, and as it opens Hermione grabs Draco and pulls him in. Bum Bum Baaa. As he enters the room he looks around gaping, "Wow it's so bright in here!"

She turns to him, "It's nighttime"

"Yeah, but I'm used to the dungeons."

"Did you have to do something bad to get put down there?'

"No, you only have to think naughty things…" He smirks as he pulls her towards them and kisses her.

"Well are we going to do something or stand here?"

"But where"

"My room!" she grabs him again and pulls him up the stairs backwards as she kisses him. Unfortunately the stairs disappeared and they slid back down them. "Damnit! I forgot boys can't use them." She looks down at him but his face was hidden in her chest.

"Whabba bubba babba?"

"Get your head out of there!"

"I quite liked it in there…it was a happy place…anyways…what about the boy's dorm?"

"Perfect you can go and so can I, YESSSSS! "

A/N- well okay we didn't actually get all the way through though this we figured it would be to long sooo…the next chapter is the one we were talking about earlier and we will do that one later which you could also skip if you don't like this kind of crap…but anyways…feed back thanks peace out…


	7. OMG THEY DID WHAT?

A/N okay this is the chapter! So yeah umm….oh yeah we don't own Harry Potter or anything to do with it except this very messed up plot!

So…anyways back to the lovers…after they had figured out that the boys' dormitories would allow both Draco and Hermione, Draco grabbed her hand and rushes up the stars, once the top step was reached…flying kisses flew! Hermione pulls out of the love fest and looks up at him in a very serious and determined voice, "Do you have a rubber?"

Draco looks at her in surprise, "What!"

Hermione looked at him slightly frustrated, "You know a condom!"

Draco still slightly lost, "You want to go ALL the way?"

"Well DUH…we both like each other…" a look of embarrassed horror leaped across her face, "You don't have one?"

Draco shocked at how much the moment had changed for the best and the worst tried to avoid her eyes, "Uhhh…mmm…well…I left them at my home home…"

"You mean like your home home" anticipation and shock mixed upon her face.

Draco totally upset at the shredded mood looked at his feet, "yeah…"

Hermione suddenly rushed over to the drawers and rummaged through them, "uhhh…great…what the heck are these…finger handcuffs?"

"No actually the label says owl handcuffs…" They both disgustedly throw them back into Harry's drawer as the search continued. Suddenly Draco had an epiphany, "ACCIO CONDOMS!"

BACK AT THE MALFOY MANNER

Narcissia (spelling?)opened the door to Draco's room mumbling, "Draco Draco Draco…have you ever heard of putting your laundry away…" as she opened the boxer drawer a huge ass box of condoms flew into her face and out the _closed_ window. This causes her to shout for her loving husband…Lucius enters as if she is being murdered, "WHAT?"

Her face lit up with proud joy, "Our son is getting lucky TONIGHT!"

Lucius just as thrilled as she is shouts, "I hope she is a pureblood…Let's celebrate!"

Narcissia blushes, "What here?"

Lucius with a look of lust, "It's our house isn't it? Therefore we can do it wherever we want…even in Draco's room!"

His wife ponders at this and the says back playfully, "And it's not like we haven't done it in here before." They begin to sloppily make out in a rather disturbing and disgusting manner. Narcissia throws the pile of boxers in the air and clumsily falls down on the floor still interlocked with her lover…and so on…it was a rather disturbing site….ANYWAYS…

**BACK AT THE CASTLE**

Draco catches the big ass box, "Tada" only after it once again broke a window though (luckily the window was enchanted and it was there again….twilight zone theme song…doo di doo doo do di doo doo…anyways)

Hermione rather excited about the finding said, "thank the lordie!" she then leaps into his arms causing the box to crush (this was also enchanted so the box was fine…doo di doo doo do di doo do doo di doo doo…hehe I'm having fun singing that! Anyways) As this romantically unsloppy kissing was going on a rather short and fat house elf sat excited but rather annoyed in the corner with a huge ass tube of popcorn and a opera viewing glass. Finally fed up with the foreplay screamed, "GET ON WITH IT…" (A/N Gosh I love that line from Monty Python te hee) Hermione who was rapped around Draco screamed at the intrusion, "Get it Draco! (And that, Ladies and Gentlemen is why Hermione had enough of saving house elves) Draco clumsily chased out the house elf by waving his arms in the air and threatening it with violent gestures…he turns around and smiles at her, "All gone."

Hermione smiles back, "so where were we…" she bites her lower lip in a cute flirtatious way (without looking like a dork which is what usually happens to us lol)

Draco pulls her close wrapping his arms around her with her arms placed nicely between them and her hands resting on his shoulders, "Right about here…" Then with a concerned look on his face he asks, "Are you sure you are okay about this?" she nodded slowly and then could feel her zipper being gently undone ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZURP…he steps back and watches her silk dress slowly flutter to the floor. Then in a respectful and loving tone he whispers more to him self then to her, "You are so beautiful…"

Hermione blushes at the compliment and walks over to him playfully, "you're not so bad yourself…" at this she began to unbutton the rest of his buttons (obviously not zippers!) as he wrapped his strong arms around her tiny waist…

**FIVE MINUTES LATER**

Hermione looks at him in awe, "wow you're good at putting on a rubber…how many times have you done this …"

Draco blushes, "I…I've never really actually done it…I'm a virgin that has been practicing…"

Hermione looks at him with tender eyes, "I'm a virgin too…"

**FOUR HOURS LATER….**

A/N **OKAY NOW** wasn't that sweet see we're not just crazy buffoons…hope you liked the funny shit cuzzer it will start beck up next chapter for those who like to laugh…pffft…like anyone doesn't…so anywhoo we'll try to post the next as soon as possible….so send us sum 'er dem comments so uh 'er we cen uhh err make a funny chapter or uhhh doo der same err ting dat we ben doerin'…can you tell that we've had a lot of sugar! Send sum love muwah! Oh by er duh way tanku for those who are reading and commenterin our uh story…much love to u guys you get two kisses which adds up to four cuz there's two uf er us. So MUWAH MUWAH times TWO!


	8. THE BATTLE bum bum bum

A/N- just to clear the air we don't own anything to do with Harry Potter except the plot

Common room post-sex…bumbumbaaaaaaa

Ron and Harry enter the common room hot and flustered after the long dance…the long sexy dance (A/N we put that in cuz in the 2 chapter Dumbledore "long sexy wand" ah ah ah remember I know you did…well we) Ron turns to Harry now looking like a red fire truck (cuz of all the dancing) "That was fun!"

Harry looked at him smiling while reminiscing the nights events, "yeah man!"

"Though I do wonder what happened to Hermione…because she was my date…"

"Yeah speaking of dates…I wonder where Hedwig is…" They head straight for the stairs that lead up to the dormitories. Ron looks at Harry just beginning to understand what he said, "you know that I totally disapprove of that 'relationship'"

Harry looks hurt, "but I LOVE her, and haven't we already been through this"

"yeah but you love her a little too much and way out of the norm.."

"GO TO!"

"WHAT?"

"Sorry I've been reading a lot of Shakespeare to my lover…" (Translation to those who don't know it means "go away" how the fuck do you get that out of "go to"?) Ron rolls his eyes thinking deep down inside how much he missed Harry reading him Shakespeare. They entered the room as Harry started to ask, "Hey Ron wasn't your bed madeeeeee…" but was disturbed by a pile of clothes. Now he laid on the floor acting as if he had been knocked out but then began to struggle he looked down wide-eyed at what was attacking him, he shouts, "Ron help me! It's Voldemort…he's trying to KILL me with…with…PANTIES…OH THE HORROR! OH NO Oh NO OH NO! The DEATH GRIP I can't get up…HELP…"

Ron walks over to Harry and untangles the underwear wrapped around his legs, "You are so dense…"

Harry looks up at Ron who is unfolding what he thought were man panties…and shouts terrified, "THOSE ARE LADY PANTIES!"

Ron looks down just realizing that they were and shouted in fear, "With little FRILLIES!" he attempts to fling it across the room but failing horribly…they landed on Harry's head wrapped around his face and a glob of hair pooffed out of one of the leg holes… he turned deathly white… "OH NO they're after me…It's the RETURN of VOLDEMORT AND FRILLY PINK PANTIES…."

Dumbledore appears in the corner, "**E**VERY **V**ILLIAN **I**S **L**EMONS!" and then disappears (A/N we love Sponge Bob!).

Ron under the power known as A.D.D. looks at where the headmaster just disappeared and said, "He's really weird!" Meanwhile Harry still fighting the panties' second assault shouts, "OH NO A DRESS JOINS VOLDEMORT…I MUST FIGHT THEM UNTIL DEATH…"

THE BATTLE

Harry on top oh got wrestled down by panties who now tags the dress it is a tag match ladies and gentlemen but Harry's partner Ron is distracted by the wall. Harry is in a headlock and is thrown to the floor…oh no now panties join in there is no turning back they are no longer tag teams but full fledged fighting. Harry is getting the shit beat out of by the dress while panties is trying to strangle him it looks like an easy victor by the clothes but oh no Harry just realized that they are inanimate objects and flings them off…HARRY IS CHAMPION! Harry what do you have to say about that… "VICTORY is mine! I RULE over icky Voldemort! Hedwig let's celebrate!"

Ladies and Gentlemen that is the match…

Hedwig in hearing the news squawks in fear, "SQUAWK!" Ron looks up in disgust, "Close the curtains this time…that was such a disturbing site" as he walks to his bed he mutters "at least they're getting lucky…" He begins to undress so that he can sleep…once in his extreme whitie tighties he hops into bed, "hummmmmm comfy…" he rolls over….then he hears a squeak not audible for it was beneath the covers…he pulls off the covers slightly afraid of what was underneath… "HERMIONE!"….

**Hermione's POV **

After having a wonderful time I drifted off to sleep and had many dreams about me and Draco with his six pack and flowers…. "OUCH DRACO!" he woke me up….once my eyes opened to stare into his face and forgive him I was greeted with whitie tighties…. IN MY FACE! Then the covers revealed me head and I looked up to see a terrified Ron…he thought I was a monster stupid oh wait….FUCK


	9. Rise and Shine

A/N no still don't own the wonderful Harry Potter

Ron stared at Hermione opened mouthed, "WHAT IN BLOODY HELL!" still thankfully oblivious to Draco's name.

Hedwig, "Squawk! SQQUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKK!"

Harry mumbles out, "Shh baby you know you want it…"

Hermione turns to Harry's bed with a horrified expression on her face, "OH MY GOD RON!" her eyes are the size of a big screen TV, and whispers horrified, " What are they dong in there?"

Ron shakes his head slightly depressed, " I don't know, and I don't want to know…"

Hermione stares as Ron, " What are you doing here?"

Ron stares at Hermione like and-you-think-that-I'm-stupid? kinda look, "Um I sleep here…"

Hermione begins to look frantically around the bed whispering, "Where did he go?"

Ron waggles his eyebrows suggestively, "I'm right here…"

Hermione getting annoyed grumbles, "Not you dumb ass!"

Hedwig, "SQQUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAKKKK!"

Harry, "I'm almost done babe!"

Ron trying to make his move on Hermione, yells at Harry, "OH SHUT UP!"

Hermione grossed out by her best friend displays this by squealing, "THAT'S DISGUSTING!"

Ron trying to bring back the mood, which was actually never there tries to say seductively, " I know, but hey YOU'RE IN MY BED! And naked for all I know!" Hermione begins to deeply blush.

"Well…umm…Ron…"

Ron looks, like he just got all the money in the world, " YOU ARE!" he then proceeds to lift the covers, "OH MY GOD!" he screams, looking up with a dorky expression. "HOORAY!"

Hermione, being very embarrassed and a little confused, shouts, " OH SHUT UP!"

Ron still wearing the dorky expression looks at Hermione, " I knew you liked me, nobody can deny my seductive power! You were so obvious at the dance telling me to, 'Shut up!' and 'Go away!' oh and 'Stop following me!"

Hermione, loving her friend, however not in that way tries to cut him off, "No I don…"

However Hermione's attempt to stop Ron from embarrassing himself is futile, "Shhh baby…" Ron begins to make a kissy face, Hermione leaps back, almost falling off the bed grabs Ron to catch her balance, Ron not noticing her retreat whispers, " Ohh you likey!"

Hermione totally forgetting about NOT hurting Ron's feelings screams, "NOOOOOOOOO! EWWWWW! I've already gotten my share of loving of tonight! And I don't need anymore from you!"

Right at that very moment Neville walks in, and shouts, as seeing as anything sexual frightens him, "OH MY GOOOOOOOOODDDDDD!" he runs out back to the common room flailing his arms in the air, "There's dirty sex going on in my dorm!"

Ginny looks up from a book that she is reading sighing, "Harry at it again?"

Neville replies with his hands over his face, however not muffing out his voice, "NO…RON!"

"EWWWWW! TO MUCH INFO!" Ginny shouted as she ran up to her dorm.

**Back upstairs **

Ron looked flabbergasted at Hermione, "So let me get this straight…you're in my bed naked…sooooo you did it….and then found my bed to sleep in!" Excitedness fills his eyes as he says the word naked, proceeding to lift the covers to steal another look.

Hermione, wicked embarrassed now screeches, "RON! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!"

He looks back at her sheepishly, "Sorry…"

Hermione being fed up with the whole affair said rather depressed, "You're stupid you ruined everything! I had an awesome time right here! I can still smell him…Oh it was wonderful." The last bit said in a dreamy voice that Luna would be envious of.

Ron says totally grossed out, "You had crazy sex in my bed!"

Hermione looks hurt, "Not crazy! PASSIONATE!"

"Oh…with who…Gryfindor?"

Hermione looks sketchily around, " No…."

"Hufflepuff?"

"No…."

"Ravenclaw?"

"No…"

"YOU FUCKED DUMBLEDORE!"

"EWWW! NOOOOO!"

"Oh some other teacher?" Ron asks slightly confused.

"No!" Hermione says slightly annoyed.

"Well obviously not Slytherin!"

"Of course not! Hehehehe…." Hermione blushes.

Ron stares at her opened mouthed, almost in awe, " Are you a lesbian!"

Hermione stares at Ron, "NO YOU MORON! Besides it's not any of your business!"

Ron looks down at the floor and sees Crookshanks, "Um your cat!"

"RON HE'S A CAT! C-A-T!"

Ron looks over at Harry's bed pointing, "Anything's possible…Come on Hermione tell me, I mean it was IN MY BED!"

Hermione with a look of defeat looks at Ron, " Alright I'll tell you…a beautiful person…" she peers disgustedly under the covers and shouts, "WITH A BIGGER PACKAGE THAN YOU!"

Ron with a look of hurt pride shouts, "Shut up! And get out!"

Hermione sweetly asks, "May I borrow your sheets to get back to my room…I think Harry ripped my dress…"

Ron shouts, "Fine! GO!"

Hermione wraps up in his sheets, leaving him with nothing while walking away.

Ron depressed, having lost both his loves screams into his pillow he stops abruptly to look up, noticing that when he had let out his sorrow, something traveled into his mouth.

A/N gives us more love! COME ON! YOU KNOW THAT YOU WANT TO! Oh by the way we're gonna start a new story, be sure to check it out

Crookshanks is VOLDEMORT?


	10. cuddle time

A/N we still don't own Harry Potter, I mean if we did why would we be writing on this website?

P.S. go check out our new story, Crookshanks is Voldemort, it's a Harry Voldemort comedy, BUT it ties in beautifully (hopefully) with So it begins!

So anyways let's start this motherfucker!

We left off with Ron finding something in his mouth…

He pulls the mysterious thingy out of his mouth and looks down to inspect it. He looks at it and then figures out that it is a…CONDOM! "Hermione! CLEAN UP NEXT TIME!" Disgustedly he tries to fling the condom out the window, again failing miserably because he failed to notice that the window was closed, so instead it gets stuck to the ceiling of his bed…he has such bad aim. He stares up at it, "Oh my GOD!" he repeats a few times, noticing that it is about to drip, he runs over to Harry's bed. "Harry…Harry…HARRY!"

Harry pokes his out of the curtains, "What!"

"Move over!"

"Why?"

"Hello Hermione had crazy sex in my bed, AND I FOUND A CONDOM ON MY PILLOW, actually in my mouth but…OH MY GOD WHAT IF I GET I SEXUAL DISEASE?"

Harry nods his head looking pleased, "That's hott…" he moves over making room for Ron, who runs over at the speed of lightning and jumps on the bed. Unfortunately Hedwig saw this as her chance to get away and Harry screamed at her, "YOU NEVER LIKE TO CUDDLE!"

Sorry that this chapter is so short…and gross, but it is funny…right?

And what ever happened to the love? Give us SOME LOVE, OR WE SHALL HUNT YA'LL DOWN WITH SPORKS!


	11. Rambalings of Draco

A/N Still don't own Harry Potter, we know we know it's sad, but with lots of reviews we just might be able to pull through this…

**Draco's pov**

In Ron's bed post-sex, Draco wakes up and looks over to Hermione and smiles then turns to stare at the ceiling slowly his happy face melts into shock about what he just did…this shock causes him to roll out of bed, after colliding with the floor he stumbles down the stairs trying to put on his clothes. When he reached the bottom he mumbled, "What have I done?"

He then races to the Slytherin common room as he enters Crabbe says cheerfully, "hey Drac…"

Draco glares at him, "go away!"

Goyle with a look of shock says, "Okay…"

Draco storms up to his room not even bothering to look at either of them. Once in the dorm he slams the door and begins to pace… _I didn't did I? I can't like her can I? No…I can't but I do…and I won't but I am! Oh God I like a mudblood a very hott one at that. She's perfect. No I can't…_ "stop it!"

Pansy who was laying on his bed observing him think said in her sexy voice (very manly may we add), "Stop what, CUTIE?"

Draco looks up at her to find her posing as if she expects to get some from him, "GET OUT!"

She looks up at him pouting (failing terribly at looking cute) and then walks over to him and circles around breathing her nas-ass-ty frog breathe don his neck, thinking that she is a sexy beast, "Ohhhh….bad boy…want to play rough…"

He turns around right as she smacks his cutie tush, "LEAVE ME ALONE!" he storms out of Slytherin and up to the prefects' baths he sneaks in thinking, _a bubble bath will fix everything…_ after the tub is full he eases himself in, but the calming moment was ruined by Myrtle who pops out of the water and says flirtatiously, "Hey cutie…"

"Get lost!

"Oh feisty!" she eases her way toward him.

"No Angry!" he tries to push her but goes right through her.

"Ooooh…that tickles…hehehehehehehe"

"Will people just leave me alone!"

"What's wrong?" she says with a sarcastic sad face.

"Nothing"

"Oh tell me…" she begins to cry.

"No go away I need to think!"

"You're no fun!" she flies up the faucet but doesn't leave…Draco doesn't notice…

"Finally God…What am I to do…I like her…no I can't….it won't work people will stare…oh God a Gryfindor and a Slytherin…no it won't work…the smartest good girl and a average bad boy…What's happening! I can't to it I won't I'll cut it off ASAP…I can't deal with this…my reputation will be ruined I can see it now…BAD BOY GONE MUSHY!"

A/N give us some love PLZ...


	12. Mrytle's Adventure

A/N I soon as we get the rights to Harry Potter we'll tell you…ok?

So after Myrtle had listened to Draco arguing with himself, she decided to pay a little visit to our favorite bushy haired girl! YAY!

Myrtle whispered, "Hey Hor…hehehehe hey Hormione…HEY WHORE! I mean Hermione…"

Hermione groggily looks up, "Hhhmmm, what….Myrtle go away…."

"Fine, but you won't hear about your mushy bad boy…"

Hermione in a fit of rage, "WHAT? YOU WATCHED US?"

Myrtle looks a little grossed out, "Eww no, Draco is in the prefects bath screaming over you, 'Thr smartest girl in Gryfindor…' whaaa."

Hermione looks around the room, "Shh you'll everyone up…what did he say?"

Myrtle looks nonchalantly at her nails, "That he was going to, 'Cut it of tomorrow', kinda sad."

Hermione shoots up, "WHAT?"

Myrtle looks around the room with a smug look on her face, "Shh you'll wake everyone up!" she laughed as she exited the room.

A/N we know that this is wicked short, but don't worry the funny is still coming! MORE REVIEWS, we're going shopping, don't make us get the sporks….


	13. Journey to the baths

A/n you know the deal…we don't own him just the plot…

Five minutes after Myrtle left Hermione couldn't take it any more…she got up and went to the boys dorms to get Harry's map and the invisibility cloak…when she saw Harry and Ron spooning she understood why Neville slept in the common room that night…he was out like a light when she went back downstairs to see where Draco was she saw that Myrtle was right…the prefects bath…she snuck down to the baths under her cloak…but faced a couple of problems…first of the Fat lady wasn't there and she found her in the portrait with the knight doing things that would scar Hermione's brain whenever she saw the fat lady. Then she ran loking at her feet to avoid that again…when she heard someone talking…a very bad impression of a womanly voice…it was…SNAPE…he was weaing a short black skirt and an white button up shirt with a black tie loosely dangling around his neck his greasy hair was tied into low pigtails

He was flirting with a portrait…of an old blind man… poor old guy…

She caught some of the conversation as she walked by…snape started, "so big guy what are you doing out so late?"

The old man replied in a decrepit voice, "I can't leave my portrait I live here."

"that's hot…so big boy what do you want?"

"prune juice would be nice."

"giggle giggle giggle you're so funny we should do this more often" he begins to twirl his hair "well I have to go…umm I have someone waiting for me and he hates to wait…"

at this point Hermione turned to go down the adjacent corridor almost there… "_shit Dumbledore what is he OH MY GOD he's making out with Professor McGoganal is that a bong in his hand oooh pretty craftsmanship elves must have made that okay keep looking at the bong not Dumbledore snogging McGoganal….just around the corner yes no one's around I'll take the long way back…"_ she entered the room…

It was steamy and he looked so hot under the bubbles glistening in the water…_wait I'm supposed to be mad at him…_he turned when the door shut saying, "go away Myrtle!" she looked into his vivid blue eyes could she really be mad at him…_yes! Not for long though_ Then she walked quietly around the huge tub to look at him some more she watched him for a while…she noticed some of his simple tendencies and found them cute…she thought everything was going to be fine but then she listened to what he was saying and not looking at his gorgeous chest, hair and eyes, "I just have to clear my mind and forget about her…I can and I will…"

At this Hermione got extremely frustrated and hurt she thought that he was more than Malfoy and actually human but guess not…royally pissed she threw off the cloak to scream at him…

"Myrtle was right! You are dumping me you…you…you hobo!"

Draco looked shocked and made things worse but shouting back, "What are you doing here?"

"I thought myrtle was wrong but I guess not and I'm leaving thank you and good nigh…no wait morning…good bye…" she stormed out of the room throwing on the cloak as she shut the door…and ran back to her dorm…she saw no one…

A/N we know it's weird...comments please though muwah!


	14. figures in black oooo

A/N we are updating yeah for us! We don't own any Harry Potter crapola!

When Hermione finally reached her room tears streaked her face and her eyes puffy and red wished to close. She fell asleep with teddy in her arms for crookshanks was off somewhere which was unusual but ANYWAYs…

THE NEXT DAY slump bump dump…in potions

Snape entered the room in his usual fury holding an empty coffee pot and screaming about the crack in his pot. At that very moment Dumbledore popped into the door "what is your pot laced with cocaine or angle dust?"

Snape aggravated already shouts "what the Fuck are you on about"

"Lovely weather we are having! Heheheheee" he then darted out of the doorway his beard wagging between his legs in the wind.

Snape continued his rave for the whole period leaving Hermione to her depressing thoughts and traveling eyes. Draco did nothing but the usual look at the ceiling and make fun of people.

By the time free period came around the sky had grown dark and Hermione felt worse. Ron and Harry finally began to catch on to her bad mood.

Ron tenderly sat down next to her in the common rooms and gently asked,

"Did Dumbledore dump you or something?"

Hermione looked up and her eyes began to water, "you fucking prick!" she got up quickly not realizing crookshanks was on her lap there was a muffled shriek and a thump that quaked the floor… Hermione did not take notice and continued her rave, 'you know what I'm going for a walk!"

"Okay have a nice time," Ron said totally oblivious to the fact that he was the reason she was in a new burst of anger. As she stormed out of the common room a flash of lightning appeared. As she reached the foyer Draco was standing with a group of friends. She slowed her run and stared at him she received no glance in return. She kicked open the heavy oak doors and ran into the field. Thunder cracked as she screamed in frustration at the sky. A water drop fell in her mouth the first thing to taste sweet all day. Then coming to her senses she looked down at her tight white shirt she went to pull her cloak over her shoulders but she left it in the common room. It began to pour icy cold water but she was too tired to run. She turned to look at the distance to the castle her hair beginning to curl and cling to her face and there was someone…coming towards her…she looked down her shirt was completely see through with her black bra totally visible (it was laundry day we swear) she started to worry about who was under the cloak because of her improper dress. The lightning and thunder clashed together she looked up at the black clouds and decided to avoid the person coming. She speed walked to the pond and hid behind the big tree…her plan failed. She tried to blow a strand of hair that was pasted to her face and turned towards the lake when the figure stopped ten feet away to stare. She began to bite her lip as got enough courage to turn around…the figure was gone. Her heart began to race alone far away from the castle during a freak thunder storm looking for a mysterious freak in a cloak. Lightning and thunder clapped together above her head making her jump. It finally dawned on her that she was near water and the only tree around far over a mile. She was now chewing on her lip in the suspense the rumbling continued with flashing purple light. She crept around he tree to make it back to the castle…no figure in sight right then she felt as she was being watched…_I just jinxed myself go smart girl!_ She carefully turned around her hair dripping and her chest rising and falling at a rapid pace. There was the figure with its cloak covering its face about two feet from her…_oh god I'm the slut in a slasher movie about to fucking die white shirt rain black figure oh God I am going to die…_she began to run thunder boomed as the figure began to run after her she refused to look back _that's how all the whores trip Hermione…_curiosity finally got the better of her and she looked back the figure was right behind her taking something out of its cloak she screeched and ran faster. Thunder cracked above her and light illuminated the woods. She looked back again to see what horrible thing was pulled from the cloak…


	15. field of love and MUD

"DRACO! WHAT THE HELL! ARE YOU TRYING TO SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME CAUSE…IT WORKED!"

Draco walked up to her with his cloak slung over his shoulder "No but you made it so easy and fun…" he looked down at her shirt "it was quite amusing and sexy in a weird way."

"Shut up you bastard...get away from me i'm still mad."

Draco sighed and looked down at his muddy shoes... "yeah about that...ummm i do still like you and i still want to get to know you and ummm maybe uhhhhh date..."

"Then why did you say all of that crap!"

"i'm afriad i guess! Oh my God i just said that out loud!"

"No you kind of yelled it but awww honey that's sooooooo sweet...afraid of love and commitment but look at you over comming your fears after scaring the shit out of her!"

"hey you make me sound like a dork!"

"is that news to you hun wow 16 years of deceiving yourself oooow that's gonna leave a nasty mark.."

"shut up!"

"oooh a little bitchy are we is it that time of month honey"

"shut up hermione im a man"

"oh really would a man be afraid of love and comitment..."

"Ummm YEAH! gosh i like to roam like a stag! hell yes to freedom for your penis!"

"excuse me how much freedom have you excercised since you've had me?"

"um not counting myself... none"

"ohhh i see so see right there that is commitment and you didn't even relize it!"

"well aren't you afraid of anything at all Granger"

"yes...catipillars...and nuns"

"awww yes the nuns"

"but the one thing that i fear also is losing my chance with you.."

"this is soo gross"

"aww shut up you know you feel the same"

'but we don't have to say it out loud"

"no we can express it through the art of...BODY LANGUAGE..."

"ooow ooow me likey...ummm did i tell you that you look good..."

"umm yes and did i tell you that your shirt is white and by the looks of it your extremely cold" she said as she appraoched him with watchful eyes. she then leaped upon him flooding his face with passionate kisses...

UP IN THE COMMON ROOM

"hey Harry, look outside"

"What is it Ron?"

"Malfoy and Hermione are going at it..."

"What! They're doing what?"

"They're fighting...What did ou think i ment they were going at it AT IT..."

"for a sec...YEAH I WAS...WHO'S WINNING"

"uhhh Hermionie's on top ohhh just got smashed onto the ground Malfoy is really bad at head butting...he thinks if he keeps his face on hers she'll pass out. What a stupid person. ohh Hermione is back on to...oooooo she ran away i guess the head butting does work...he's chasing after her should we go help!"

"Ron shut up...what would you do anyways..."

'That weird japanese head but that malfoy used on hermione i should go practice it on a pillow before we attack..."

Harry who was reading through this entire episode said "okay go do that"

"Muhahahahahaahahaha HARRY POTTER YOU FOOL YOU ARE HARMLESS WITHOUT YOUR BODYGAURD...I MEAN MEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

Ron who was half way up the stairs says, "i think crookshanks is in heat or something..."

Harry annoyed at ron's stupidity says, "Ron it's a MALE cat it doesn't have HEAT it has CRAVINGS gosh all it did was meow."

"No Harry i think it spoke..."

"I think your mad..."

BACK OUTSIDE

after making out in the mud a clap of thunder and lightning brought hermione to her senses she was in the middle of an open field and totally visible of who she was with. She pushed him off and darted to the hidden doors (that weren't really well hidden if she found them so easily) and ran into them (through). Draco ran after her and followed her down the stair that led to the abandoned dongeons in the basement like a little puppy.


	16. strange voice in the dungeons

A/N hey every one thanks for the reviews keep em coming so we can get better at this…we don't own anything Harry Potter involved except the movies I love them good…

So we last saw our most favoritetist couple running into the secret door that wasn't all that secret…into the dungeon….as they reached the last step Draco pounced upon his pray…kissing and nipping at her neck making her giggle and squeak. She pushed him away gently whilst giving him a small peck on the lips. She looked down and saw that he was VERY….EXTREMLY… EXCITED! "Dear god….i didn't know that it was THAT BIG!" at the exact same time a voice screamed….

"oh god Hermione watch out it may bite you!"

Draco looks down evilly after checking for anyone, and then he rips off his pants. And then someone screams, "GOOD BOY KILL THE SNAKE…HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THAT!" Draco and Hermione pause and look at each other and look around the room. Again someone yells,

"HERMIONE DON'T TOUCH IT! IT DRIPS WITH EVIL SIN." Hermione becomes freaked out and yells, "DRACO THE FUCKING HOUSE ELVES ARE BACK!" He looks around and says, "Accio huge ASS curtain" a blood red curtain comes out of nowhere and assemblies itself around the cell so no one could see what naughtiness they were up to. Then the shocker came, "I've decided abstinence!" The voice yells, "GOOD GIRL!" Draco looked down at Hermione..."Umm EWHAT!"

"what…I want to be PURE!"

"But I've already popped the cherry! MMMM I want pie…I mean I love you! LET'S CELBRATE! I stole some of Snape's eatable panties!"

Hermione rolls her eyes then waves her hand in a circular motion over her pevin (think PEOPLE!) "ABSTINENCE! Wait panties…Snape ewww he probably wore them!"

"No I don't think so they we're still in the box…I wonder what he has them all for…."

"Aww man that reminds me…he um wishes that he had a pevin….(A/N thanks Laura!)"

"WHAT!" Draco looks confuzzled…

" I um saw him in hooker boots and a mini skirt one night….it was ICKY!"

" I bet it was….So would you like to express our love for each other…"

" But Draco… ABSTINENCE!"

"But…but….YOU'RE NOT A VIRGIN!"

"Yeah god and I had a long talk…he was all like it's all right!"

"Really…" Draco breathed into her ear, while rubbing his hands up and down her back. He took one hand and began to push some of her hair behind her ear. He walked behind her and began to trace his fingers over her arms and he breathed lightly on her neck.

She whipped around and gazed up into his eyes with lust and breathed out, "I was joking…"

Draco looked at her then jumped up in the air screaming, 'SCORE!"

"Ugh kinda ruined the moment….oh well!" she pushed him onto the bed that was just like all of a sudden there, and then proceeded to do the um naughty….

LATER ON!

Draco looked over at Hermione, "my power was too strong for you my lovely pet…great moves by the way…"

"shut up!"

The random voice strikes again! "IF I HAD SIN GOGGLES YOU"D BE DRIPPING WITH IT!"

Draco looks around the cell, "WOW that house elf sounds like a catholic Voldemort!"

THE END

Well for now at least. New chappie coming soon….but ya know feel free to give a review…or three…and PLEASE check out Crookshanks is Voldermort….we promise it's some pretty funny shit!


	17. discovering hiv

A/N okay thanks people who reviewed like…ankiecha, greyeyedgal14, yellowrosesinateacup and dracoshott28…we love you so! Anyways ummm this chapter is like a weird one so we apologize for any disturbing images it may give you…and it's pretty much the climax of this fan fic…so read and review plz! Oooh we don't own Harry Potter…(awwww man)!

It had been a happy week since the thunderstorm Draco's and Hermione's love was in full blossom…. i mean they did it everywhere in the girls bathroom myrtle loved watching…in the pond the squid hated that…in the woods the car barged in on them…in hagrid's pumpkin patch damn crows…in the green house damn licking petunias… in a broom closet BETWEEN CLASSES…on Dumbledore's desk damn Dumbledore…thank god he smokes…in pansy's bed…on the slytherin dining table damn forks…the hufflepuff common room that was a weird adventure by god the hufflepuffs don't know what they were doing they thought they were laughing oh no they were screams of pleasure…but anyways they were in heaven…in love…the best sex possible. I mean Draco is a Sagittarius… known as sex gods and Hermione was a Gemini…gets bored of the regular crap in other words very exotic in bed together ATOMIC SEX. But enough of the GREAT SEX…

It was morning…bum bum baaa they were in the great hall eating breakfast Harry was having farina (I love that shit!) Ron was having a blueberry scone and orange juice and Hermione a huge ass omelet with ham and cheese and mushrooms and spinach and ketchup with home fries and toast and a side of chocolate (sex is a tiring business and needs fuel). Harry was pouring salt into his porridge and talking about their future after Hogwarts which was in a couple of months…Ron kept mentioning sharing an apartment with Harry but Harry turned to Ginny and asked her what she was going to do without them next year. When she told him she'd be fine Harry looked at his porridge with saddened eyes. Hermione tried to ignore the question and Ginny because girls can see when other girls are on cloud nine it's a gift we have…but like Ginny she asked Hermione what her plans were after this…Hermione shot up and stared at Ginny she hadn't thought of that yet… the hunt for Voldemort was on hold he vanished after his rebirth things were pretty normal…dumbledore lived Snape didn't kill him Draco stopped him from doing it and Lucius had been bailed out of jail of course they aren't as rich any more but everyone's happy wow she had never thought that the disappearance of one person would make everyone so happy… she hadn't even thought about how serious Draco and her were she knew she loved him and vise versa but was it the LOVE that would last a lifetime or die in a couple of years…should they live together or hide in secrecy forever…what if he doesn't even find this relationship a serious love connection…so many questions she had assumed were answered popped into her mind she dropped her fork and stared into space totally engulfed in these thoughts…_what have I done? Is this right? Does God still love me? what am I going to do what is going to happen? Oh the sin it drips into my eyes oh the burn…what on earth will happen what am I to do?_

"Hermione…Hermione…" ginny's voice slowly drifted back into some empty recess of hermione's mind…after a while it finally awoke her from her coma…

"uhhh"

"It was a simple question but you don't have to answer…"

"ohh sorry…dazed and confused… I had a late night…dracooooooooooooI MEAN STUDYING KEPT ME UP…heheehe"

"Ohhh…so what does your future entail for you…"

"OY! UMMM…" she began to think hard darting her eyes then to get more time she stuffed food into her mouth "um iwashsnt sufajd ttidejagd alalsasd" while everyone was staring at Hermione who looked like a rabid chipmunk Harry looked at his salty porridge and stole a ladle from the syrup to eat his concoction he took a huge a gulp and smiled as porridge squirted out from between his teeth… "I wubble poriwge!" Everyone turned and stared at him as he began to swallow suddenly he began to turn greenish and bounced in his seat. Unable to hold the remain porridge in his mouth it oozed all over him in a thick white mess…meanwhile Hermione swallowed her food, "Oh my gosh he's choking!"

Ginny looked at Hermione, "You can't choke on a liquid…well this is Harry anything's possible" relief swept over Hermione the future question was out of everyone's mind.

Ron turned to Harry, "He always over exaggerates I bet he's fine I mean he's the kid who thinks underwear is a rouse from voldemort…"

Ginny nodded, "yeah he's such a drama queen" Harry in the background was still choking and then finally fed up stuck his fingers down his throat and pulled out a slimy disgusting thing named Phillip…he held it up for everyone to see which by now was the entire common room from the display he had made…it was filled with porridge or so we think…

Ginny stared Ron tried to cover her eyes she turned to him angrily and shouted "STOP IT! It's not like I've never seen a CONDOM!"

Ron shocked at how his little sis had seen one at such a fragile age said, "WELL ITS AN ADULT THING! NOT TO BE PLAYED WITH!"

Ginny even more furious, "I ALREADY HAVE… oh my gosh Harry what if you got an S.T.D or H.I.V!"

Ron still mad at her, "don't spell around me I know you said hiv and stid I mean I am right here and OLDER…"

Harry excited about this shouts "hurrah I have hiv and stid!"

Ginny explained about STD's and their dangers when she finished she looked at him with a look of I'm so smart

Harry stood up in joy and shouted, "HEY EVERYONE I HAVE STID AND HIV!"

That same voice from the dungeons shouts, "WHAT YOU ARE HAPPY ABOUT MY EVIL PLAN HOW COULD YOU…FOOL YOU WILL DIE IN THIRTY YEARS!"

A familiar face stood up at the moment to outsmart that annoying Harry Potter once again, "HARRY YOU SOOO STUUUUPID…. H.I.V IS A HORRIBLE DISEASE…THAT YOU UNFORTUNATLY DON'T HAVE…I KNOW FOR A FACT BECAUSE THAT IS MY CONDOM SO THERE! BLAH (his beautiful tongue glistened in the morning sunshine)"

Harry pushed off the deep end by the insane gesture shouted, "WHAT IS IT DOING IN MY PORRIDGE"

"I DON'T KNOW!"

Ron interjected with a shout of hey look I'm smart and I can remember, "HEY HERMIONE IS THE CONDOM THAT WAS IN MY BED WHEN I FOUND YOU SLEEPIN NAKED IN THERE WITH IT?"

Hermione begins to freak out…this was it they were all going to know and the relationship would be over…she would deny everything, "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!" she shouted so that the great hall would hear that it didn't happen…

Harry interjected, "YEAH HERMIONE I REMEMBER THAT IT WAS HIM YOU SLEPT WITH!"

Ron shouted, "NO WONDER YOU WOULDN'T TELL ME WHO IT WAS!" the whole room listened intently it was a live drama!

Hermione blushed five shades of red, "IT WAS NOT!" meanwhile Draco was still standing realizing what he just did to their relationship they we're going to be public if he didn't do something… "EWWW ME SCREW GRANGER I MEAN ONLY OUT OF A GOOD LAY AND PITY I MIGHT BUT NOT EVEN I MEAN LOOK AT HER…SHE'S GRANGER BRATTY, TO SMART, ANNOYING, NOT FUNNY, BUSHY HAIRED, NEEDS TONS OF MAKE UP TO LOOK EVEN DOABLE, OR REALLY SKIMPY UNDIES, YOU KNOW THE PINK FRILLY ONES…AND IT WOULD HAVE TO BE DARK LIKE IN A BROOM CLOSET, BUT OTHER THAN THAT HELL NO!"

Ron having another I'm so smart revelation shouts, "YOU WEREN'T JAPANESE HEADBUTTING IN THE MUD….YOU WERE MAKING OUT"

Hermione finally let something slip, "YOU SAW US!"

Harry also acting smart, "YOU SAID US! YOU ARE SLEEPING AROUND WHAT IS HAPPENG IN THIS WORLD!"

At the slytherin table Draco's heart was going out to Hermione they were almost out of it built was so obvious they had a thing totally engulfed with how to rescue his love from humiliation he didn't even know that Pansy had slipped her hand into his pants with a face of lust she had always wanted him too bad she could only do this when he was spaced out…just as she tried to unleash his MAN OF WAR Draco looked down at pansy she started to pull her hand out as she could see the anger in his eyes come out, "PANSY STOP IT I'M ALREADY TAKEN HOW COULD YOU…"

Harry and Ron together looked up and shouted, "YOU ARE DATING HER YOU ADMIT IT!"

Draco blushed and could see Hermione bury her face in her hands it was like a knife in his heart, pansy's hand began to creep to the MAN OF WAR…Draco didn't notice nor did anyone else because his cloak covered her creeping crawler he opened his mouth to deny everything when he felt the pudgy fingers grab him instead of saving her he shout their ultimate doom, "SHE'S IN MY PANTS!" he backed up from the table making pansy go with him an fall on the floor but no one noticed she was molesting him…they just figured the chubby girl ate too much and fell over. Hermione stood up furious and tears running down her face and screamed, "GREAT JOB DRACO! YOU JUST TOLD EVERYONE THAT WE'ER TOGETHER AND MADE ME SOUND LIKE A FUGGLY SLUT!" she ran out of the great hall crying Draco ran after her…Ron turned to Harry, "are you going to finish your porridge?" Ginny rolled her eyes and looked around the great hall which was full of gawking people starring at them, "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT!"

Luna shouted, "YEAH EVERYONE SHUT UP! I THINK THEY MAKE AN AWESOME COUPLE AND I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT THEIR KIDS LOOK LIKE!" the great hall went back to normal except for the fact that Ginny left to find Hermione.

A/N… R & R PLZ!


	18. OH SNAP!

A/N heyss everyone! Ummmm we have about 5 to 10 more chapters soooo hurrah I guess but then we will have a one chapter prolouge and a lost chapter but they will all be under so it begins….but yeah R & R and thank you to all that reviewed to the last chapter…blackrose2010, dracoshott28, yellowrosesinateacup, raven the black bender and ankiecha!!! We don't own Harry Potter!

Hermione ran into the bathroom crying and ran into a stall suddenly feeling quite sick….as she threw up myrtle appeared….

"What's wrong sick to your stomach with love?"

"Go away….blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh"

"You know you seem a little heftier then last time I saw you…and you and Draco have been going at it like rabbits….let me ask you this…when was the last time you had a visit from our hated friend T.O.M? hmmmm…."

"What the hell are you talking about…go away"

"You know your TIME OF MONTH…"

"I am late…by like three and a half weeks but so what…"

"Wow for the 'smartest" witch ever you are flipping stupid…. okay answer this do you eat larger proportions? Do you get sick a lot? Do you have emotional ups and downs? Hmmmm"

"Well ummm I guess I eat a lot and I do get stomach aches and I have been unusually strange about Draco's and my relationship but so what!"

"Well you should start caring because your pregnant!"

"Am not!!!!"

"Are too!!!! Let me guess you don't check for defaults in the condoms before doing it and you aren't using more than just condoms…"

"no we don't check for defaults. Why can there be any?"

"Yes"

"FUCK!!!!"

"That's a girl come into the light of knowledge…. so how are you gonna break the news to the father??? IS DRACO THE FATHER OR DO YOU SLEEP AROUND!!!"

"FUCK OFF!!!"

"Sorry can't I'll go right through myself!" at that moment Ginny crept in looking for Hermione…after she saw her feet under the stall she gently stood there about to ease open the door when Hermione said, "so what if I'm pregnant myrtle just sod off okay!"

Ginny's jaw dropped she couldn't believe this they were sleeping together oh gosh this was bad and now she's PREGNANT…she gently opened the stall door as myrtle floated off "hey hun are you okay…"

"I guess but I think I'm pregnant…"

"oh hun…but you're not sure…"

"I haven't had a regular cycle for over three weeks!" Hermione began to cry….

"stress can make your period go away for a while. I'm sure you're fine… I mean you've been trying to hide a relationship and get through a tough year…"

"no it fits so well…I'm freaking out about my relationship with him; I'm getting round; I eat like a flipping horse; and I'm sick a lot…oh god he'll kill me I'll kill me…how could I be so stupid…he was using me I bet a thousand dollars I'm his sex whore he doesn't care about me he probably has sex with a lot of other girls…"

"well that does sound like a very Draco thing to do but I don't know when you left he looked Uhhhh pretty shattered after he got pansy's hand out of his pants…"

"THANKS FOR MAKING ME FEEL SO MUCH BETTER!"

"I sorry I was just being honest…"

"I never want to talk to him ever again I hate him I HATE HIM YOU HEAR ME!!!!"

"Hun let's go back to the dorm okay and I'll stay with you…okay"

"Okay I guess so…I'm hungry too"

'We can pig out okay"

"I've never skipped before"

"Ohhh I do it all the time!"

"Ginny you naughty girl!"

"Hehehe" as they walked up to the dorm Ginny knew she would have to get them back together so she conjured a plan…

their day went well they ate a lot of pizza and ice cream and talked about boys.

A/N OMG we are soooo sorry for being late with this chapter, you see we actually got a life, we each get half, AND TOGETHER IT IS ONE FUCKING AWESOME BOWL OF PUNCH!!!!! So yeah….sorry please leave a review, updates will be more frequent, we swear!!! Don't hunt us down with sporks!!!!

Mwah and Mwah again….


	19. Poor Draco!

A/N Soooo yeah…. as we stated last time we got lives…. we're wicked sorry but stuff happens…like school and boys…bay's got a shit load checking her out! ……I hate her…. but then I scare them, and then she scares them and they then flee!!! So anyways to the STORY!!!! That we technically don't own.

Draco's p.o.v.

I screwed up so bad…I should have kept my mouth shut but how can you when Harry is sooooo stupid, and now Hermione ran out of the great hall. I get up to run after her but pansy's hand is still in my pants so once I leap out of my seat she comes flying too. So everyone can see that I was "cheating" on Hermione while revealing our intament relationship. Pansy started laughing as she rolled on the floor, "Draco my hand you silly man…give me my hand back…" I ignored her and began to walk. She rolled behind me as I undid my pants. About three quarters of the great hall female population gasped (mostly in pleasure…am I a sex god). I pulled out her hand and she giggled ferociously. I kept on walking as she called my name, she needed help getting up.

I searched everywhere and I couldn't find Hermione she was either in the Gryffindor common room or hiding somewhere I don't know about. She's good at doing that, finding things I don't know about. Oh what have I done I love her so much. I finally gave up thinking that she had outsmarted me, I slowly walked back to my dorm, but as I did this I could hear murmurs from myrtle's bathroom. I walked over thinking it was Hermione and put my ear against the door. At first I couldn't make anything out, but then in a clear voice that was Hermione's said, "I never want to talk to him ever again I hate him I HATE HIM YOU HEAR ME!!!!"

Right then and there I felt this tear in my chest and a vacuum where my heart used to be. I quickly walked away not wanted to hear more I couldn't and I wouldn't. I went back to my room only to be greeted by my "friends" who badgered me about lowering my standards and how was the old bookworm in bed? I just flipped them off and went to my room. I wanted a hug and some ice cream really BADLY!!! Oh god I'm soooooo upset, like macho gracias (**manly** thanks…a/n I take Latin so bear with me!) upset…so upset that my Spanish isn't right!!!!

As I finally grew a little numb to the situation, pansy bursts in. "WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME ON THE FLOOR! I love you!" she ran over to me and leaped on the bed making it bounce like a madman. I glared at her but for the first time I felt pity for the lady-lad-thing… "Leave me alone, PLEASE!"

"WOW, Malfoy with manners. I've never heard that before. Maybe you were banging the ugliest Gryffindor in the history of the land after all."

"Shut up you ugly little whore! Don't make me use more colourful language on your sorry saggy ass!"

"What did you actually LOVE her? Come on please!"

"Just go away I'm sick of you and the "us" shit!"

"What did I embarrass you in front of the school?"

"No you ruined my love life!"

"Well your ruining mine but don't worry I'll forgive you by morning because I LOVE YOU!" she began bouncing with glee at the thought of their "love"

"GET OUT ALREADY!!!"

"Oh yah I'm mad out you…YOUR RUDE AND MEAN DRACO AND…AND …I'LL BE MAD AT YOU… UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE!!!" she slammed the door behind her snorting like a bull with its nuts tied.

"Finally I can sulk! LET THE SULKING BEGIN!" I shut all of the curtains and the room became dark I closed the curtain around the bed and it was pitch black. I wouldn't go to school today. There was no way in hell I could deal with it or seeing her…WHAT HAVE I DONE…


	20. Results and Ginny's discovery

A/N you know it's the usual!

Chapter 19.5

Ginny's discovery!

Ginny was in the great hall eating breakfast when a reasonable sized package hit Ron in the head and reverberated into Harry's porridge, "Why do things always end up in my porridge!!!" Ron grabbed the package and began to open it until Ginny screamed, "Its NOT for you dickwad!!! God, you should read label before you open it, fuck face!" she snatched the package out of his hands and glared at him.

Flabbergasted Ron stared dumbfounded (a/n wow I never knew I could use those words! They're like BIG words anyway!). Once he rehabilitated his gray matter he inquisitively, "Where on god's graced earth did you hear those fucking words?"

"Well let's see between you and the authors of this story and my muggle friend who sent me this I learned a lot."

"You learned some from Arthur as in our DAD!"

"You are such a dumbass!" at that she got up grabbed a grungy Hermione and fled to Myrtle's bathroom. Hermione looked at Ginny her eyes glazed, her hair as big as ever, and her sweatshirt (which was over her uniform) covered in stains. "Ginny what the hell, I need to go to Madam Pompfrey. I need to find out if I'm pregnant. I know it will ruin my life even more, but there is no other way. I can't wait any longer; it's probably already too late. What do I mean too late! It's not like I was going to try and get an abortion I could never do that-"

"Just shut up for a second will you, gosh!"

"Ginny I'm sorry. I'm just a nervous wreck. I hate him and I'm so scared. I have to go see Madam Pompfrey. I have to go-"

"SHUT UP! What are you delirious? I have an answer to your problem (shwing) a pregnancy test!"

"Yeah from Madam Pompfrey that's why I'm going."

"No dumbass it's in my hand. It's a muggle one no incantations involved and therefore no madam pompfrey! You just pee on it!"

"I know how they work. I also know that they're only 99.9 error proof!"

"Yeah so? That's why I bought two, or rather my muggle friend who I am going to pay back!"

"Okay fine I'll pee on a plastic stick for you. I mean what are friends for anyways! Give me that damn thing." She took the box skimmed the directions and went into the stall and peed. "Okay done!" she walked out of the stall and together they stared at the pee contaminated stick for three minutes. "Oh my God I'm pregnant!!!!" Ginny stared at her like holy shit and snatched the box out of her hand, "no your not. You read the directions wrong, blue is negative!"

"I know it's negative Ginny but it's the .1 chance I am!!!" Hermione in panic ran around the latrine flailing her arms like a fleeing goose.

"Take it again then!"

"But I don't have to pee!"

"You only need a few drops! Just tinkle on it!"

"Uuuggg FINE!" she snatched the second box and ripped out the plastic stick. After a couple of minutes she came out of the stall, "it took a while but I got my tinkle almost to a sprinkle!"

"You're so gross!"

"Trying to lighten the mood, sorry!"

"It's okay" three minutes went by and Ginny declared, "See your not pregnant!" Hermione turned white and shook her head.

"No no no no not again! The .1 it's out to GET me!!!!"

"Hermione you are NOT pregnant!" at that very moment Hermione had a visitor by the name of tom.

Once again the girls skipped school to pig out. As they were watching the original "night of the living dead" on Hermione's portable DVD player Hermione did the strangest thing. She latched onto Ginny and screamed, "Draco! I'm scared!" Hermione pulled Ginny's hair as she turned to her and said, "But I'm not Draco and defiantly not a boy!"

"Did I say that out loud?"

"Yeah you did, and I thought you hated him."

"I do! Very much so!" she said smiling nervously and shaking her head vigorously. Then she made the strangest angry face "Grrrrrr I hate that ever so horrible Draco Malfoy! GRRRR!" then she went back to smiling and wobbling her head. "See much hate much hate! GRRR!" At that moment Ginny realized Hermione really did love him and she was not over him. She wondered if it was the same for Draco. Right then and there she took it upon herself to get to the bottom of the feelings of Malfoy.


	21. the end of terms and relationships

A/N: we do not own your mom therefore we do not own Harry potter! (yet…transactions are currently on hold until further notice! I will make your life a living hell as your owner!).

Chapter 20: loneliness

HERMIONE'S P.O.V.

Hermione rolled out of the bed and forgot to put her feet out first and literally _rolled_ off of the bed. She face planted into the floor and groaned. It had been a month since the incident in the great hall and here she was with bed head and a mouth full of throw rug. She slowly got to her feet and walked over to her mirror. She sat down in front of it and stared at herself. She concluded that she looked like shit and got up to go take a shower.

The next thing she knew was she was sitting in the great hall eating pancakes. She overheard Harry and Ron fighting over their relationship or something but she didn't care. Ginny turned to her and asked her if she was excited about report cards. She grunted.

At the end of the day there was her report card. As she stared at it she could hear Ron in the row in front of her screaming, "I didn't fail!!" Lavender then proceeded to correct him, "Ron you got six D's and one C!" Ron smirked as he looked at her intently, "But I didn't Fail!" Finally Hermione woke up from her trance of apathy, "Holy shit!" Hermione screamed as Harry spun around excitedly and shouted, "How bad did you do? This is like writing history! I can see it now 'Hermione fails third term!"

"You shit monkey! My report card is horrible and I can't tell you!" Harry snatched the report card and stared in shock, "oh my gosh! You got fuckin straight A minuses"

"They're horrible! First I lose my DRACO then I lose my BRAIN!"

"Wait... what about Draco? Did you actually date him?"

"What? No I didn't! I hate him. God Harry shut up!" she smacked him upside the head and left the transfig room to head back to the common room. She looked down as she walked and admired the workmanship of the floor (a/n MSI!). As she turned a corner she face planted for the second time that day into something. It was a rather catastrophic collision. Both bodies fell over and crumpled together. Hermione was straddling the poor person with her face on his warm and soft and strangely familiar chest. Slowly she pulled her face away from him and pushed her hair out of her face. Shocked she leaped up and tripped on a book just to land on top of the man she was currently trying to hate, for a second time. She apologized and attempted to stand up again. He grabbed her wrist and stared deep into her eyes. Hermione grew more nervous and struggled to get her arm free. She decided to beat him at his own game. She stared back at him and brought her face close to his. A small smile formed on his lips as he closed his eyes. Hermione then said, "I'm not pregnant." At that moment his eyes flashed open in bewildered shock, Hermione got free and collected her books, and Draco somehow managed the words, "I didn't know you thought you were!" before she ran away.

He slowly got to his feet and gathered his stuff not noticing he had an extra report card.

DRACO'S P.O.V.

Draco rolled out of bed and thought today is the day I get over her. He then hobbled over to his mirror and looked at himself. I looked like shit he thought to himself as he managed his way through the mess of his room to the bathroom. He then made his way down to the great hall to eat. He didn't even taste the food which filled his stomach. He was having a Hermioneless day when all of a sudden he noticed Ginny fighting with Ron and then running off with Hermione. _Damn it_ he thought _I wasn't supposed to think about her. _Food no longer interested him and got up to leave while Pansy was on the floor being dragged by him yet again. "Draco, drakie! Hun lemme get my hand!" Draco not even caring anymore paused ripped her hand out and kept on walking. That was the third time this week that he didn't notice Pansy's pudgy traveling hands. And it was only Wednesday! Class was so boring and Hermione skipped again but nobody noticed except Draco. People must have figured she fell asleep in the library. The day was done and over. The outcome of the day was fair, three first years asked him out and Pansy only tried to rape him three times. By the end of the week it was report card day and Draco was still miserable. He grabbed his report card and left his last period class 5 minutes before the chime. He walked briskly trying to get to the dungeons before Pansy leaped on him. He took a secret passage to evade her. He came out near the transfig room and the next thing he knew he was on the ground. Pansy! He thought, but the weight was much too light. He looked at the girl who straddled him and recognized the hair at once. His heart leaped. She slowly looked up at him and freaked out, and jumped up only to fall back on top of him. She apologized and attempted to get up again, but he could not let her go a second time. He grabbed her wrist and stared her straight in the eye. _Did she really love me?_ Her eyes seemed to avoid his and he would not let her go. Finally she looked him in the eye. He saw fear and a flicker of something else that made his heart pound inside his chest. She then came towards him. He froze. All he could do was close his eyes and look dumbfounded. Then instead of tasting her lips, he heard words, "I'm not pregnant." At that moment his eyes flashed open in bewildered shock, Hermione got free and collected her books, and Draco somehow managed the words, "I didn't know you thought you were!" before she ran away. He sat there a moment thinking about what she had said. It had never crossed his mind. He stood up pushing her out of his mind but failed miserably and gathered his things. He felt miserable and that wouldn't change. It hadn't changed for a month now. It was obvious he was head over heels.

RON AND HARRY AND HEDWIG

Ron sat on the couch glaring at Hedwig who sat on the chair across from him. Harry sat between them in his own chair, "I have you both here to tell you something very important."

Ron retorted, "Well you could have told at separate times! I don't want to deal with her!"

"Ron shut up will you?! I brought you here to tell you that I love you both but I've come to the conclusion that it is not _love_ but just love. You know like friend love, sibling love…you get it...eh...eh???"

Ron looked shocked and hurt, "you used me???"

"A bit…but I used Hedwig too! So no strings attached anymore and I won't come crawling back or even thinking of doing anything like that again."

Hedwig was in absolute glee, "squawk? Squawk?! SQUAWK!!!!!!"

"I know Hedwig you must be devastated…you too Ron."

Ron turning beet red and yelled, "You inbreeding monkey fucking a coconut FREAK!" (a/n dane cook man!!! gotta love him!)

"Friends?"

"My ass we are!"

"Now look who wants incest! I see you like a brother and I think you just scarred my brain!" upset at what was said to him, Ron stormed out of the room hurt and up to his dorm. Hedwig then busted out of her cage and flew away too come back five minutes later with her boyfriend owl! Harry was pleased to meet him but he thought it was a girl owl, "Hedwig why didn't you just tell me you liked girls!"

She looked at him rolled her eyes, "Squaaaaaawk!" which translates to, 'I have the most stupid perverted owner ever…" and with that Hedwig and Gusto the Italian macho owl flew away!

Unfortunately everyone's love life is turned upside down! Except for Ginny's but that will soon change…BUM BUM BZAAAA!

A/N review plz hug much love peace out!


	22. ginny's dirty little secret

Chapter 21: Draco's rebound

A/N: sorry we haven't updated in forever but things have been busy considering this is our junior year and all but we hope to finish this up soon…sad as it is sniff sniff ooohhh and that paperwork about your ownership just shipped it out to Peru so hopefully you will be mine soon…. oh shit the boat just blew up…. good thing I made copies!!! MWUHAHAHAHAHAHA…. and you're probably thinking, "What the fuck is this bitch talking about????" But let me tell you I don't even know so there!!!!

So it begins….

Ginny woke up an hour early to get ready because today was a big day…. it was the day…the day she would get the man of Hogwarts…the man of Hogwarts, the dragon himself in all of his sexiness…. His blonde hair his grey eyes…his evil smirk that actually is actually really hott… no hotter than hott like the intensity of a thousand white burning suns cubed…. so hott that I spell it with two t's and repeated actually twice….. The hubba bubba the sexy man that looks sexy…. the DRACO MALFOY!!!! (WOOT). But in order for Ginny to behold this intense beast of sex she too would become a beast of sex… so began her long journey at five in the morning. She bathed blow-dried her hair straightened it bathed in perfume and put on a fair amount of make up to accent her eyes. Then came the school uniform. She left the cloak open and unbuttoned the first few buttons on her white shirt allowing her cleavage to burst forth like a madman with rabies contained in a black push up bra. She rolled up her skirt really high and disregarded the stockings and the vest…now she was ready to catch the man.

She then went over the plan again. She would catch his attention in the great hall then when they pass to first period she'd sneak up from behind and grab the ass of a god. Then in the pass to third period when Draco uses a secret corridor to avoid Pansy she would seduce him or at least catch his "rising" interest in her. Then during lunch Draco usually takes an apple up to the library where Ginny would start her second seducing. Then comes the finale after school she would catch him going to his common room and snatch the sex god who would become her play toy. BEGIN!!!!

Ginny waltzed into the great hall shaking what her mama gave her!!! This caused quite a commotion…boys whistled and howled like dawgs…even the local lesbians (yay GAY PRIDE!!! But we're straight STRAIGHT PRIDE!!!). She grinned and sat down next to Hermione who just grunted to acknowledge her friends presence. Ginny went to reach for the pancakes until eight boys started to fight on who would pass her the plate…she rolled her eyes and stood up to get it herself. This sign of independence made all the boys at the table stare more. Harry sat down and looked over at Ginny, "hiyaaaHOLY SHIT! You're hot like WHOA! Hott like I need to take a shower right now hott!" she grinned said thank you and began to stuff her face. As she did this Harry mumbled to himself, "thank god I went straight today I'm so happy to be straight cuz now I can do this!" he leaped up and went to grab Ginny's boob. "I'm going to feel you UP…cuz you're a GIRL!!!!" at that moment Ginny stood up and Harry…. missed and landed in her pancakes. When she sat back down with the syrup in her hand she found Harry in her food and looking at her chest… but this happy moment for Harry was ruined due to a very angry older brother who ripped Harry off the table and decked him in the face. As the fistfight broke out half of the guys went to watch the other half to get a closer look at the new Ginny. However Draco was in neither of these groups and she realized he hadn't even come down yet. Ginny discouraged by thoughts that he might be sick plopped down by Hermione and grunted. Hermione grunted back. By the time Snape pulled Ron off of Harry, Ginny had finished eating and Harry was in the nurse's ward. Ron got off with eight detentions and a beating. He waddled over to the table and gingerly sat down and proceeded to yell at Ginny for her appearance. "You can't dress like that. You're a girl and…and where the hell did you get those!!!"

Ginny rolled her eyes, "Ron I'm a young woman and these…are BOOBS. Every female has them…."

"Not my sister…no I won't allow you to have those give them to me…"

"Ewww Ron go away…"

"You are mine and no one else's… and I will protect you from all male things!"

"Bugger off"

"NO!!!" Ginny was done listening and got up and walked out, which was perfect timing because at that moment Draco, who was looking at the floor walked into her. But as she was about to fall he caught her and put her on her feet. He stared at her and said, "Are you Weaslette? Wow you've changed…. looks good" all she could do was smile but at least she had made contact. He walked by her and acted as if nothing had happened. She floated for a moment. He had noticed her but phase two would begin soon so she had to get ready.

PHASE TWO

Ten minutes went by and Ginny was ready. She hid behind a suite of armor prepared to leap out and grab Draco's ass at any moment. Then the bell rang…she hid in excitement for three minutes but he did not pass. Finally the last of the pack passed her and there was Draco walking among rejects to class. As he passed she leaped out but her cloak caught on the suite of armor causing it to crash and her to fall. Draco being a kind hearted soul went over to her and picked her up, got her cloak and commented her underwear, making her blush since she didn't realize she had flashed the creepiest kids in the school. He walked her to class but said nothing to her. As she said thank you she decided to try to hug him and sneak a butt squeeze. However as she went in for the hug he took two steps to the side to evade her. She looked over at him and he smiled awkwardly and turned to leave. This was her moment she lunged forward but he began to walk and she lost her balance. On her way down she tried to grab anything to stop or slow the fall. Unfortunately for Draco that thing was him. More specifically his pants….

Flash back!!!!!

Draco had gotten out of the shower and put on his pants however his belt was among the missing. He walked back to his room to try and locate only to find pansy with it doing something so naughty we don't even know how to explain it. Draco in shock cowered in the corner. On that same day a flood happened in a toilet in the first year's part of the Slytherin house, due to a rather large shit, therefore Dumbledore was trying to relocate the whinny brats. He decided to put them in with the six years and headed up to their dorms. He reached Draco's first and opened the door. All the kids poured into the room of the prince of Slytherin only to find the disturbing sight of that in which we do not speak. They began to cry and fled. Dumbledore rescued Draco and sent him down to breakfast without a belt. This was the reason for Draco's lateness and loss of appetite. Pansy's ruse to seduce Draco was finally uncovered and she was rewarded with 82 detentions and a beating which she enjoyed too much.

End of Flashback!

Down she went and with her Draco's pants. He began to waddle away from her but now Ginny was determined to grab that tush. She leaped up and chased him around but ended with her running around in a circle and Draco spinning around in the middle. After five minutes of this Ginny changed directions and shock the comfort of Draco's evasive spinning. He broke out of the circle chase and waddled up the corridor she was right behind him when he decided to face her like a man. As he turned however Ginny reached to grab his buttocks…

Ron was walking up the stairs humming to himself. Even though his day was bad he still managed to hum…. he beat his friend and his sister became an overnight slut. But as he was walking up the stairs he was at peace and it was nice…. This all ended when he turned the corner and saw the sight in which we are about to explain.

Ginny dived for the gold…the ass…the tush, the gluteus maximus BUT it disappeared and she couldn't stop…. she flew, she bounded forward and gripped not the butt but the other side….the front side…where the manly goods are kept. And she slid forward with momentum and her face crashed into these goods and Draco screamed and Ron saw. Ron thought Draco had reached immense pleasure (not pain) and that Ginny was getting paid. Draco fell on the floor and began to weep. Ginny stood up in shock and walked away and Ron screamed in an angry war cry. But then he tripped and his butt sunk into a sinky stair, in which you sink. There Ron would have a revelation with the help of a magical cat.

He sat there with his butt stuck…stuck in the sinky stair. He spoke there in that sinky stair to himself saying that he would kill Draco and fix his sister good…. then a voice came to him and said, "fucking retard…" Ron looked up and around to see Crookshanks, who sat down and observed the stuck Ron. "Let me explain…first off Ginny fell on Draco's snake and second off even if she did become a whore like you think, you should blame yourself. This is why…. you don't let her grow…. you can't keep her twelve forever and by doing that you made her want to rebel which would in theory cause her to give the local kiddies bj's." Ron having listened to the cat's explanation realized he was right, and from that moment on Ron decided not to be over protective and let his little girl fly away into the sunset with that nasty man called Draco….

A/N okay this chapter is being divided into two parts u have just witnessed part one... part two will appear soon hopefully. we did this because we havent gotten around to writing the rest so we'll tempt you with a little and prove that we are still alive. But thanks to Wandhappy for reminding me via comments that we havent finished our story...YAY!!!! so comment and the second part will be up as soon as possible! But bear with us if it is not so soon...thanks and love!...HUGS!!!!!!!


	23. that secret thing part two

A/n Hiddey ho!!! Ummm not feeling much love on the last chapter did all of you guys abandon us I mean we only neglected you for six months!!! Come on you better improve or we will hunt you down with the help of that rabid man in ginny's bra….or …worse…we will not….finish…THE STIRY…I mean STORY!!!! Bum bum BAAAAAAURP….excuzi umber (cucumber see it yeah I know ya do)

Ginny's plan thing part TWO (Ginnylicous its so tasty tasty it'll make u crazy!!!)

Poor Ginny sat in first period mortified at how the day was going the ass grabbing failed and the check out was a lost cause. Draco sat in first period still blushing at his obscene display in the halls, he was also icing he family jewels. Silly Ron sat in the sinky stair that sinks waiting for someone to save him. When he got tired of screaming like a girl that person finally came. He was a rather manly man with big manly moobs and makeup on and girl's clothes but this cross-dressing man was gorgeous to Ron the human form of all his wet dreams. He came up the stairs towards him completely unaware of Ron's presence and stepped over him. Ron in awe like in the scene in free willy felt as though a whale was jumping over him while he stood on a jetty and screamed with his arms in the air (who does that all the people on the side walk would be like that kid's a fucking nut and what if the crazy whale crushes that crazy kid?!?!?) feeling inspired by this mental scene Ron did just that but poor Ron he punched the man thing in the crotch causing it to kick Ron right out of the sinky stair that makes you sink. The thing then called him a perv in a shrilly voice and left. Ron developed a black face on the way to the nurse who gave him ice and told him to go bath for he smelt like a sinky stair on steroids and cat piss.

Period one was now over and Draco began to waddle to the secret passage. However he felt followed because of his sluggish pace. When he reached the entrance he looked sketchily around and then entered as the knight blocked the entrance it became really dark. He grabbed the wall to lead him but as he walked his hand hit something warm and squishy like lovely lady lumps. Then he heard a familiar voice say, "I've been waiting for this…lumos," the wand pointed to his crotch. "Damn its not what I've been waiting for…. but I can change that…." Draco felt small delicate hands begin to fish around for his zipper; her red hair shimmered in the light from the wand as she worked. He looked down and winced she looked up and smirked, "you like" Draco replied "no not really its still swollen from when your face punched it…" Ginny continued then exclaimed, "holy shit its huge! How the hell do girls do it? I gotta give sluts credit they must have a lot of skill to get something so big and ugly in their mouth!" Draco shivered, "okay I'm feeling violated because I don't know you…"

"Hi my name's Ginny I'm a year younger and I pleasure you now…yeah?"

"Ricola!!! NO!!! No pleasure!!!! F…FI…FIRE!!!!!!! Did you know people don't respond to help?" with this the opening opened (duh) and a big figure came in and pushed Ginny away and said, "he's mine whore…how's my drakiekins…horny??? I'll fix that…AHHHHHHH." She came closer and closer until Draco shouted, "If your Hermione go ahead and suck away but your not so get away!!!" He zipped his pants and began to waddle saying, "I wouldn't even make her do that its so degrading…unless she wanted to…then more power to ya…I miss Hermione….HERMIONE!!! WHAAAAAAA…." Ginny and Pansy were sprawled on the floor. Ginny rolled over and looked at pansy, "do you think he's really in love with her?" Pansy replied, "I don't know but I'll help you find out…"

When lunch rolled around Ginny and Pansy had recruited an over enthusiastic jumbosized breasted Slytherin, Dagger and Cho. On the way to the library Dagger wouldn't shut up about getting laid by anything and Cho confessed a rather weird confession (duh). Ginny had turned to Cho and asked "I hope your boyfriend will not be offended about the mass seduction." Cho replied, "I don't have a boyfriend."

"I thought you did because in some book from somewhere your dating this guy named Harry who you kiss. And in this movie too you guys are like dating or something but you tell on this Harry and we all disown you but I guess this book is a bunch of bull." (Or the basis of this entire story).

"Nope. There is no Harry in my life just a lot of nargals…. They're very sensual creatures. Luna and I have a lot of fun with them…I love her… I think we might file for domestic partnership when we graduate…. nargals are everywhere…. and Luna is my lover."

"THAT'S NICE."

When they reached the library they found Draco in a dark secluded corner like some emo or something (we have nothing against emos!!!!) they got into formation like horny determined geese or something and shook their shit as they approached him. Boobla (A.K.A. Dagger) went behind him and shoved his head in between her breasts so he could not move his head. Ginny stepped up on the chair and then got on the table. Cho went for his pants and pansy turned on some hip-hop. Ginny's short skirt wasn't concealing her very well actually her panties were doing a better job at that while she danced like a whore. She crawled over the books in front of Draco and pulled on his tie while whispering as sensually as possible, "how would you like us? All at once or individually?" Draco finished his apple and was now staring at Ginny and whispered "why do you wish me to suffer????" they all stopped and stared at him in unison they said, "suffer?" Ginny then took the lead, "Dude this is every man's paradise and you think it suffering!!!!????" Draco simply replied, "Well yeah since there's no Hermione!!!!" all of their jaws dropped. Ginny jumped off the table as cho stood up like an angry mongoose. Ginny walked up to Draco furious of his pathetic failure to be aroused and flicked him square on the nose and said, "We will break you." Pansy shut off the music and stormed away. POP!!!!!!!!! Draco's head was freed with such great force his head whammed into the table. Boobla in shock said, " WOAH!!! The suction between your head and my boobs was so immaculate that it made a popping noise and gave you a concussion!!!! What does immaculate mean I don't even know that's how great it was…LIKE SEX!!!" A librarian popped out from between the books and said, "immaculate means spotless…I think the word you were looking for is immense."

Ginny had officially given up. However Pansy had not. By the end of the day auditions for Draco's new girlfriend were being held in front of the Slytherin common room entrance. Draco was strapped to a seat that was guarded by Pansy who was running the whole thing. Ginny came to watch but had no part in this tomfoolery. The first girl was four foot five and a first year with pigtails she blushed and began to hide behind her cloak like Dracula or something. She then very quickly listed her reasons for being a good match for Draco. "I'm sweet and small and when I hit puberty I bet I'll have nice badonkadonks. I will also treat you with respect sir…I can spell respect!!!" the next was a twitchy man thing with a high shrill voice, "I would be a nice girlfriend because I'm pure blood so pure its incest!!!" she began twitching and convulsing and had to be sent to the hospital ward. Then came Boobla she ranted for ten minutes about how her left boob was slightly larger than her right. Then she admitted that they were cousins and therefore was repulsed by the thought of dating him. She then described a magical huge ass shroom in the forbidden forest, which she was going to go climb. This is when Draco lost it…he screamed, "AHHHHHHHH" then he said, "ENOUGH. I CAN"T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!! I don't want another girlfriend I want ice cream…the telletubbies…love movies…the telletubbies…Hermione…the telletubbies and for you all to leave me alone to cry…"

Ginny mumbled to herself, "That pathetic boy he was broken all along and I do believe he loves her."

A/N: more comments this time and hopefully we'll get another chapter up tomorrow at some point in time!!! G'night Muther LOVERS!!!!


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